Nature gave men two ends

Nature gave men two ends – one to sit on and one to think with.

Ever since then man’s success or failure has been

dependent on the one he used most.
- George R. Kirkpatrick -

I have never made

I have never made but one prayer to God,

a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’

And God granted it.
- Voltaire -

They say God

They say God has existed from the beginning of time

and will exist beyond the end of time.

Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?

- Scott Roeben -

And God said

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light,

but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait

until Thursday to be connected.
- Spike Milligan -

Women speak

Women speak because they wish to speak,

whereas a man speaks only when driven to

speech by something outside himself –

like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
- Jean Kerr -

My ancestors wandered

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness

for 40 years because even in biblical times,

men would not stop to ask for directions.
- Elayne Boosler -

When I was young

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist.

When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric.

Here I am doing and saying the same things I did

then and I’m labeled senile.
- George Burns -

the worst time

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is

during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin -

the lottery numbers

Son, if you really want something in this life,

you have to work for it.

Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

- Homer Simpson -