May those who love

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
- Irish Prayer -

My doctor says

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland

and a natural deficiency in moral fiber,

and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.

- Douglas Adams -

The universe is merely a fleeting

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in

God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought,

particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.

- Woody Allen -

He is turned his life around

He’s turned his life around.

He used to be depressed and miserable.

Now he’s miserable and depressed.

- Harry Kalas -

The remarkable thing about

The remarkable thing about

Shakespeare is that he really is very good,

in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

- Robert Graves -

An expert is a man

An expert is a man who tells you a simple

thing in a confused way in such a fashion as

to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

- William Castle -

I have six locks on my door

I have six locks on my door all in a row.

When I go out, I lock every other one.

I figure no matter how long somebody stands

there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

- Elayne Boosler -

After all

After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?

Surely not for you to enjoy yourself;

if that were their sole purpose,

they’d have simply sent champagne and

women over to your place by taxi.

- P.J. O’Rourke -

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments,

you must always come back to the pleasant fact

hat there are only ten of them.

- H.L. Mencken -

A celebrity is a person

A celebrity is a person who works hard

all his life to become well known,

then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

- Fred Allen -